10K in May

Apologies for not posting in a long time. I pushed myself every month (and sometimes weekly, and before that daily) to post, and I am sad to see that this year I have missed a whole month. It's the first gap of any great length I have had since starting this blog. But because I know I am a pusher (it comes with being a writer) I want to push myself to start posting again.

I started blogging to push myself to write more. But the truth is, I sometimes lack the discipline that should come with writing. One area in my life where I have always felt strong and disciplined is with my workout regimen. In fact, there are some nights where I know I will only have the energy to blog or hit the gym and I almost always choose the gym. I choose working out because I think it will make me fit in my clothes better, keep me healthier, give me more energy, or excuse the wine or cupcake I devoured. And while endorphins certainly do work their magic on me, sometimes the guilt from not writing is greater than that of missing the gym.

But when my friend Damon signed us up to complete our first race, everything changed, and I was surprised at how clearly things came into focus. We decided on pushing ourselves in a 10K (6.2 miles) rather than take the easy way out in a 5K for our first competitive race. My motivation kicked into gear and I got into the swing of pushing myself to run over 7 miles three times a week for practice. While I ran I cleared my head, de-stressed, focused on shaving seconds off my time, and challenged myself in a way I never had before. I realized then that all those times I had decided to hit the gym had paid off; it allowed me to build towards this goal of completing my first 10K, something I had always wanted to do and yet had never pushed myself to do until now. It's funny to me that I had such a specific goal in mind and had put the work in to do it for years, but then just never committed to a particular race. Why I had been able to push myself to the last breath but not push myself to fill out an entry form is beyond me.

Because when I crossed the finish line at a personal best time of 53:45 everything was worth it. My legs ached (I actually only stopped twice the entire run and that was only for a few seconds at the most), my face was bright red, and sweat was raining down my entire body, but I had never been so proud of achieving a goal.

As I think about that finish line now, I think about my writing. I think about how I have neglected this blog to fulfill other goals. In addition to accomplishing my fitness goal I also achieved a professional one. I now blog full-time over at Salon Fanatic. Starting that blog and maintaining it is a huge part of what I was hired to do at my new job. And being a professional blogger means pushing myself in different ways with writing, work, and beauty. I am just now starting to get into the swing of things and am focusing more on that project now. I hope you will join me, as a lot of what I have been writing here has prepared me for that job even though the subject matter is different.

But I am still keeping this blog. I may not post as often as I used to, but I have put the work in for much too long to stop now. I still feel that I need a place to call my own when it comes to writing. A space void of work talk (mostly) that allows me to say the things that come into my head during a good run. I promise to push myself to write and post more, because the goals I have for this blog are different -- they are big, they are scary, and at times they keep me away. The goal of this blog is to write and to write honestly. And oftentimes if I feel like I have nothing worth writing about or if I am tired of blogging all day, I stay away. It is important for me to reach my goals here of being sincere and writing from the heart. I don't feel like this race is over. Sometimes it takes an extra push, and sometimes it means writing despite aches, pains, and sprains, but nothing feels as good as when a post is published, and my thoughts are out there. It feels like crossing the finish line every time. And only then do I allow myself to take a rest and catch my breath before starting the process all over again.

Damon and I both want to do the Laguna Hills Memorial Day Run again next year. We agreed it was one of the best things we have ever done. All the people involved were so positive and encouraging, just like those who have been reading and leaving comments here in my absence. We are both still running and pushing ourselves in preparation for next year (though I have been laying off the 7 + miles because my foot started to hurt). That's the thing about running: you finish many a race, only to come back and do it all over again as soon as possible. It takes a crazy kind of person to be a good runner. They must have a stamina and endurance that is ironclad; they must have the cloudiest or the clearest of all minds to have their thoughts occupied for such distances. They have to be almost as crazy as a writer.

I have always had an obsession with running, it has always been my workout of choice. And though I have loved writing longer, I can't deny the similarities they share. While sometimes it feels like I am robbing from one to support the other, I feel that they can go hand in hand. I just have to push myself to try a little bit harder. Sometimes when I am running I imagine what I am running from, and use that to push me to go faster. When I am writing, I push myself to confront the things I am often running from, and that's how posts happen.

I honestly believe it's not about how many races you run or the quickest time -- it's about what you are doing daily to prepare and what you get out of the race that matters most. For some it may be Olympic gold, for others bragging rights, but I know I will never be a professional athlete or a record breaker. For me it's about knowing I pushed myself to do more than I ever thought I could and finish better than I had expected. It's about knowing that all the work I have done, the choices made, the sacrifices taken, have been used to their fullest capacity and that I can say I didn't waste my days away, but that I used every bit of my ability. Time for a cool down, then stretch, and then rest. This post was a long, uphill climb, but I have at last finished. I will see you back here soon, ready, hungry, and that much stronger for the next chapter.

A Long Time Coming

This is the post that has been percolating in my head for a while. It all comes down to this:

Four and a half years ago, I was unsure of the course my life had taken. I was working in education and ready to pursue my master's/teaching credential in the fall. Before beginning though, I looked for other work, as I could not shake the uncertainty I was feeling about my career path. I always wanted to write and I wasn't sure if teaching others how to write was the best course of action. I interviewed with Jenny Doh and ended up accepting a position as Assistant Editor at Stampington & Company. When I interviewed, I had a good feeling about the job because Jenny and I just hit it off. When I accepted formally, I remember crying with happiness. I felt like I was moving in the right direction and promptly withdrew from the teaching program.

Months later I moved to Orange County and started my life over. I didn't know anyone when I moved out here. I didn't know where anything was, not even the nearest Starbucks. I remember spending my lunch breaks at my desk because I didn't know where to go and had no one to eat lunch with. But the longer I stayed at work, the more people I met. Eventually I made some of the best friends I have ever had by meeting them at the office. I reinvented myself in a way, and I am so glad I did. I can't picture my life without having lived in Laguna and meeting the people I have met and come to love as my second family. Even as I am writing this, there is still confetti at my desk from my 25th birthday, when my friends decorated my office with pink streamers.

As an editor I have learned to seek out the best and chisel away until the strongest points are left standing. Whether whittling down a wardrobe or writing a sentence, it is the duty of an editor to make sure only the best is being presented. I like to think that in my four years at Stampington I did nothing short of putting my best work and shoed feet forward. No matter what.

I have met so many strong women in this industry who have inspired me to persevere. So that even when I felt like kicking my shoes off and relaxing, I kept moving forward. I want to name them all, but there are too many. If you look through my blog archives, you will undoubtedly know who I am talking about. To the many great women who lent me a shoulder, an ear, an apron, a kind word, I wouldn't have been able to keep going had it not been for you. To those wonderful women who gifted me with art, know that it filled my office and kept me happy while I typed articles about artwear, or maybe even posts on this blog.

The decision to quit my job came at the right time. For years I have yearned to do what many of the women I read about in our magazines do, and quit my day job and follow the dream of pursuing my art. While I am not able to quit to write full-time just yet, I will be taking a nice break from work to write a while, to reflect, to think, to just be. These last few days have felt like a marathon. I am so tired, so drained. I remember explaining to Jenny once, that I am a runner. I love running. I love pushing myself to the near impossible, to only discover there are no limits. I feel like I have been running for a long time, and at long last will be able to catch my breath.

My next adventure will be an entirely different one. I am so excited to do something I never would have imagined doing previously. That is what my whole life has been about these past 28 years, doing the unthinkable; surprising myself; starting over. I no longer am afraid to start over. I welcome change with fresh eyes. I want to use my talents to build another magazine from the ground up, hopefully, and make great contributions to another community, to meet more people who will inspire my life's journey, and maybe even new, close friends. I am sorry to tell you that I am not a crafter. I have always felt slightly guilty of this, as I have worked in the crafting industry. I don't craft anything short of writing and outfits and I feel it best to move on to an industry that is a bit more up my alley. But I am a doer. I have never been one to just say something. I do it. Actions speak louder than the best writing. I like to imagine that my writing and actions deliver upon the promises I make and the most genuine of intent. As I start my new job at Nails Magazine, I am unsure of how much blogging there will be for me in the future. A new job is a big step, and I look forward to giving it my all, which will require hard work and focus. A lot of the future seems unclear right now as I have a few things to figure out. But I am ready. I love that my life has not yet nor has ever been, so planned out.

I leave behind two magazines I founded, apronology and Jewelry Affaire. These are especially hard to leave behind, as I lost sleep, argued, and stayed late to make sure these books become everything I knew they could be. I feel like I am abandoning two very important chapters of my life. The love people have for the apron is unlike any other I have experienced, and I am so grateful to have been clued in to that warmth. The jewelry community has always welcomed me with open arms, and I consider so many of these visionaries my friends. Altered Couture has been nothing but a labor of love for me, as I sought to reinvent and push the bindings of its pages, to make it a must-read and relevant to the fashion and DIY industry. Haute Handbags and Somerset Home were both tasks that I took over from my friend Amanda, and have always tried to show them the same love, care and grace she showed other people. I hope that I have left an artful legacy. I did my best, and I feel that these chapters have been written and are at long last, done. They have ended on what I felt were good notes, capturing the visions I have had of them for years in the making.

The most important lesson of all in doing good work and doing a good job is kindness. It is the single most essential, most unifying ingredient. Treat all others with kindness; respect their work and their feelings; be honest. I have tried to stand my ground while achieving only the best. If I have done so, then I have done so by hopefully remaining kind towards others. I look forward to taking this and the many lessons learned with me to my new place of work. The people there have already shown me a great deal of generosity and it makes me all the more willing and happy to move on.

And here's the thing with moving on: change is inevitable. It is life. This life is short, unpredictable, and forever evolving. Sometimes we feel change does not treat us justly, but when we roll with it and are not afraid to start over, we build new muscle. When we are determined to be strong, no amount of change will ever permanently disable you. Then there are those changes that we are ready for, they are expected, they are even welcome. And with them there is a sigh of relief and lots of hope. My friend Virginia gave me this picture years ago that says, "The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are." I have had this hanging in my office for over 2 years, and every time I looked at it, I was reminded that I knew I had somewhere else to go.

I have produced 41 issues for Stampington & Company. The magazine industry, while changing as we speak, has been a great fit for me. There were days where I sat at my desk and wondered what would have happened had I taught high school English, but it has been a privilege to sit at my computer and write words for others to read. I will continue my work with Romantic Homes magazine  and Made Woman Magazine. You can find me there, and hopefully here, along with some other upcoming projects (fingers crossed), and now at Nails Magazine. If you found this blog because of my work at Stampington, I thank you for reading. I thank you for deciding to come here and read words typed out over coffee from an office in Laguna Hills, surrounded by amazing handmade art, written by a girl who used to want to be a teacher, but took a chance on becoming a real writer.

Onward & Upward,

B